Margret's Dare

She said I wouldn't do it. She said I wouldn't do it
Little did she know that I would, and I could.

In the rocky mountains of Colorado lives a boy who loves her.
I know this from the 3 a.m. talks I've had with him and the way he speaks her name.
She doesn't believe me though, because she loves him as well.
She won't admit it though because she doesn't want her heart torn to pieces.
But she doesn't know what will happen, and it looks like a bright future for her.

Sorry.

These Things Are How You Make Me Feel

these things are how you make me feel.

like a child lost in a storm, a storm of love that has never been experienced.
where smoke covers the earth and sometimes the night sky has no stars.
I search for the light, until I realize it's two feet in front of me.

these things are how you make me feel.

like a fire that burns in my heart and cleanses all the fear with its radiant heat.
The fire is calm and beautiful and runs through every fiber of my body when we're together.
It is the gasoline to my mind and my heart, assisting me in going only partially insane.

these things are how you make me feel.

like I've been kidnapped and thrown into a van thats filled with warmth and kisses.
Where I can shed my skin and be comfortable inside my own flesh.
Where my words can truly be listened to and thoughts interpreted,
and my soul can speak all it's feelings without a filter.

these things are how you make me feel.

like the first man on earth to finally find the end of the rainbow,
except I didn't find a pot of gold, but rather all the riches of the world.
I never knew life could get this good, feel this right, until now.

I love you,

J. Nemo

Small Thought

"Would you destroy something perfect

In order to make it beautiful"

 - My Chemical Romance 

The mountains are beautiful. Filled with faults, ridges, and broken trees, 

but they are still beautiful to drive through. They are where we connect with God. Where we can realize are potential for perfection.

Humane Realization

When he died, thats how I knew I was a human.

My whole life up until that point had been simple and my trials in the palm of my hands.

But not his, not his death.

When I first found out, I was sitting in church with my mind in and out of the lesson.

T-Tools leaned over to me and showed me a picture that someone had posted honoring his suicide.

At first I didn't believe it. I couldn't believe. 

His hair was too cool and his swagger to much to do such a thing.

But he did. 

He hung and he swung and he never came down, 

the only thing that went down were the marks on his neck from the clawing for breath.

I went home everyday the next two weeks 

and would cry myself until I fell asleep for my afternoon nap.

Addictions and wonder grew worse and the hole in my chest kept chewing away at my tissues increasing in circumference.

Why did you do it? 

What was going on? 

Did you think about your friends and family?

What about that math assignment due tomorrow?

Why didn't you leave anything for us to hold onto?

But then I realized he did. He left memories of smiles and awesome shirts. 

Memories of leather moccasin instragram posts and Thor dressed on halloween.

So many memories. I never got to tell you this Hunter, but you are missed

by more than just me. You taught me that life isn't just all happiness and that things can happen in instants that completely create your world or destroy it from the inside out. 

Your death taught me how to be human, and sometimes I'm ashamed of that.

But thank you for teaching me, you were a teacher from the skies.

Hope...

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."

Martin Luther King, Jr.

my new goal is to find myself,

I think it will take longer than I think,

I'm gonna have to climb mountains,

swim rivers, and cross wastelands,

but I'll make it,

I'll make it eventually.

I have hope.

I'm confused by the differences.

Confusion is something that I'm taught to love, 

but actually don't enjoy very much.

Life is odd in the that way. That every couple of months 

I find myself swimming in the blackest of water, 

only looking for the ladder where I can climb out on the lighter side.

I hear whispers in my head all the time. 

I pray for comfort and the ability to separate and connect, 

but I can never separate the different voices.

God's? The devil's. Mine?

I pray for comfort and the ability to separate and connect.

If you put enough pressure for the right amount of time on a piece of coal

it will eventually turn into a diamond, but too much can destroy it.

Well I think the timer went off about a week ago, and I'm starting to crack.

If you could please remove the weight from me I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks, 

J. Nemo

iPhone Thoughts

These are different pages from my notes application on my phone. I've always been someone who has written down thoughts on my notes app and over the years they have gathered up into a collection of thinking and memories. Maybe one will tingle your insides. Enjoy my brain. I would just like to point out as well that some of these are from my sophomore and junior years and I have changed a lot since both of those. Maybe you'll be able to see it.

WARNING! EXTREMELY RANDOM 

October 16, 2013: "Every time I look into your eyes, I see heaven."

November 3, 2013: "We can't say that we can do bad and then prepare later for our missions. We need to prepare continually in are youth so we can be as effective as possible."

November 9, 2013: "If NSA is deleting everything then how do you have evidence that they deleted it?"

November 15, 2013: "Thoughts - What is it about the world that we live in today? We are so absorbed in our technology and so used to hiding behind the screen for communication that when we walk on to something as simple as a train we can't even sit next to someone we don't know and start a conversation. It's embarrassing and sad."

December 6, 2013: "Mangum's # 801-***-****"

December 7, 2013: "Everyone go on the sides. My brother and I will open the door. Everybody storm him. He might shoot, if he does go down. I'll try to bring him to the ground. Please don't hurt him."

February 14, 2014: "Girls I want to ask on dates this year - Anna Cvetko, Linda Davies, Lauren Martin, Sierra Parke, Kayla Harley, Ryan Squirres, Brenley Codling, Amanda Nitta, Carly Hyatt, Alexis Osmond, Saige (Seminary), Jenna Bell."

July 13, 2014: "I wanna love you to where I can read the thoughts right through your skull. Where we can always love each other even though we have holes."

August 31, 2014: "President Abraham Lincoln was once criticized for his attitude towards his enemies. "Why do you try to make friends out of them?" asked one of his associates. "You should be destroying them."

"Am I not destroying my enemies," Lincoln gently replied, "...when I make them my friends?"

September 16, 2014: "I pray when I don't feel like praying."

January 2, 2015: "Concept - rules give us freedom. It's only when we disobey them that we become slaves + Time stopping concepts?"

April 2, 2015: "You have more time on a finger then I could hold in two hands."

May 31, 2015: "Honesty runs through her blood. She's the holy water in the dirt and the mud. Born in the south, but raised in the mountain. Oh she's got a heart that shines like a diamond.

Texas girl who's got the beauty and the fight. Oh I know her mama raised her right. Texas girl, she's shining so bright. Oh I know her mama raised her right. So right. How right?"

June 17, 2015: "Stories of Havasupai - The midnight horse mating in the night. Walking down the river back to camp. The cliffs at Beaver falls 45ft. The restricted mines that had all the crystals. Trevor's snake dream. The sunburn. The burnt stove."

August 15, 2015: "My birthday is 108 sleeps away"

August 24, 2015: "How did I get #SoBlessed? What did I do to deserve the life I have been given. I have you and your eyes and your heart and these things are my reasons for living."

September 2, 2015: "A heartbreaker, cracking five hearts and making an omelet out of them on the daily."

I thoroughly apologize. I'm just a boy.