Stalin Youth

My 3 favorite posts from "Stalin Youth"

The last melon 

Roses are red, violets are blue, I  built this house for you and me. 6 days a week with blistered hands, making walls that would always withstand. 

Roses are red, violets are blue, I caught you cheating on me for another dude. My heart was broken and torn in half, our house broke apart a little to fast  

Roses are red, violets are blue, this brick is red because of you.  You said you loved me, but that was a  lie, I grabbed this brick cause you must die.

Broken Dreams

Why windows always holding us back, like a bully, taunting and teasing us saying you can look but you cant touch. on the other side of that window are your dreams that you have always thought you could never reach. and as your watching them, they start to fade off behind you. There are those of us who see our dreams but cant roll down the window so they give up and say ''Ill try again next time''. Then there are those of us who see our dreams and break the glass and jump out of the car. because they know that sacrifices are worth the risk of getting hurt, because we dont get that many chances to succeed at what we want the most. We all get the same amount of time in a day, but what you do with it will make or break who you become.

Hold My Hand

This is to the ones who need a holding hand, a hand that will interlock with theirs and forever it will stand, and every time you touch them the hairs on the back of your neck will stand straight up, from the spark of electricity created from your love.  And that electricity causes a lightning storm in the beautiful night sky, and gives you another excuse just to hold that beautiful girl tight. 

  

   That helping hand is waiting for you and that person needs one too. You might think you know love, but you actually haven't a clue.   Love is a roller coaster of feelings that is run on sheer will power and the power of knowing that when you think you have nobody, that somebody will always be their for you giving you a hand, pulling you up from whatever trench you are stuck in or pit you were left in. And that person will hold your hand with with a grip so tight you never want to let go and he will show you and he will let you know that you're the one for him. because when you cause lightning in sky then he's a very special guy.

    

   One day you will get that spark and you will hold that hand and when you look into each other's eyes it will cause a wind, it will cause a wind so powerful it will lift you off the ground. And for that one moment you will be levitating, like a Harry Potter spell. And both of you will be under the one spell that none other could fake it, one so powerful that nothing could break it, and an earthquake won't shake it, a spell that the baker can't bake it, and the the morning sun can't wake it.

   Love. The essence of living, the reason we do the things we do, the reason we go out and plant our roots and sprout our branches,  because like a tree, we will live and we will grow, we all have our seasons and one day we will know that our lives will come to an end and every end started with a beginning and in that beginning we all started living,  started living a life that nobody has ever lived before, and now there is no need to say any more, 

take my hand and let's go explore the world.

BlackOut

Reveal

My name is Chuch NIchols

I am half brown

I am a procrastinator 

I am determined 

I am somewhat popular according to Nelsons scale.

Happy Thanksgiving

HeartTalk "Surfing"

Chuch.

What's up man! How you doing up there in that wrinkly tired brain of yours? I just thought I'd write you something quick because I'm about to explode from all the unnecessary stress you've been putting on me. If you throw down any more I may have a heart attack and that wouldn't be good one bit. You got to stop overthinking man. 

You just gotta be chill and go with the flow of things cause thats the only way you can take this world on. Just surf the sea of things around you, don't try to cut hard or you'll catch edge and if you do... Get back up and paddle on big man. You got this, just be calm, be strong, be loyal and everything will work out in the end.

Sincerely

Your Heart

Blue Ticket: "Moonless Nights"

You Mr. Moon are my protector. Beams of your light are always shining in my darkest nights, leading me, guiding me, and holding my hand ever so tightly so I don't wander through the trees. I love when you carry me through splintered paths, but sometimes I want my feet to get cracked and bloody. Believe it or not, but sometimes I want a "moonless night". One where I can't see and fear drives into my chest like a full dagger. You need to understand that I have to be stabbed in order to feel happiness. I cannot know one without the other. SO LEAVE MR. MOON! Get out of here! And let me bleed from the dry heels of my feet. Let the gashes become infected only so that I can cleanse them later. My arms are wide and my chest is open. Knock the wind out of me a couple times so I know that kiss of air. Break my ribs and tear my skin from the belly button up so I know my untarnished body. I will always be fascinated by scarlet juice. Always. If I fall too low, please take my hand and hold it ever so tightly. Ever so tightly.

Instructions on Knowing an Angel

1. Clean your soul of the darkness that has dwelled there in the past.
2. Improve or obtain some of the attributes that you would like to see in your life.
3. Pray that you will find her, and she will find you.
4. Ask all the girls you think maybe the angel on dates.
5. As you discover more about each of them, discover which one is most likely the angel
6. Start to focus all dating efforts on this girl.
7. Get to know her so well that there is no doubt that she is the angel
8. Fall in love with her
9. Sit in your car on a Sunday and realize how lucky you are, this will happen many nights so get ready cause it's overwhelming.
10. Be present with her always, treat her like the angel she is, love her for who she is.
11. Never lose her.

Feels Like I've Been Buried Alive.

bloop bloop

bloop bloop

bloop bloop

If you didn't already know that is the sound of my heart shoving blood through my veins, because right now they are wide open.

Like tunnels running underneath my dry earthy skin, it holds the secrets to life unknown.

The blood within them feeds my limbs so that I may act in kindness, but sometimes I betray their trust.

My heart, the center of it all feels happiness and sadness and this is how I know I'm alive.

I feel numb though now. Like I can't speak right. Like I've been buried alive.

Laying the Bricks

Bricks are the core of everything.

The building blocks that stacked upon eachother in the right way, can create something beautiful.

Bricks are the beginning, the end, and everything in between.

They built my fathers company from the ground up,

And built my family from broken to everything it is now.

The more bricks that have been laid down. 

The more tears will fall down when the walls are broken.

Just watch who you lay bricks with, because sometimes people will break big walls to easily.

Margret's Dare

She said I wouldn't do it. She said I wouldn't do it
Little did she know that I would, and I could.

In the rocky mountains of Colorado lives a boy who loves her.
I know this from the 3 a.m. talks I've had with him and the way he speaks her name.
She doesn't believe me though, because she loves him as well.
She won't admit it though because she doesn't want her heart torn to pieces.
But she doesn't know what will happen, and it looks like a bright future for her.

Sorry.

These Things Are How You Make Me Feel

these things are how you make me feel.

like a child lost in a storm, a storm of love that has never been experienced.
where smoke covers the earth and sometimes the night sky has no stars.
I search for the light, until I realize it's two feet in front of me.

these things are how you make me feel.

like a fire that burns in my heart and cleanses all the fear with its radiant heat.
The fire is calm and beautiful and runs through every fiber of my body when we're together.
It is the gasoline to my mind and my heart, assisting me in going only partially insane.

these things are how you make me feel.

like I've been kidnapped and thrown into a van thats filled with warmth and kisses.
Where I can shed my skin and be comfortable inside my own flesh.
Where my words can truly be listened to and thoughts interpreted,
and my soul can speak all it's feelings without a filter.

these things are how you make me feel.

like the first man on earth to finally find the end of the rainbow,
except I didn't find a pot of gold, but rather all the riches of the world.
I never knew life could get this good, feel this right, until now.

I love you,

J. Nemo

Small Thought

"Would you destroy something perfect

In order to make it beautiful"

 - My Chemical Romance 

The mountains are beautiful. Filled with faults, ridges, and broken trees, 

but they are still beautiful to drive through. They are where we connect with God. Where we can realize are potential for perfection.

Humane Realization

When he died, thats how I knew I was a human.

My whole life up until that point had been simple and my trials in the palm of my hands.

But not his, not his death.

When I first found out, I was sitting in church with my mind in and out of the lesson.

T-Tools leaned over to me and showed me a picture that someone had posted honoring his suicide.

At first I didn't believe it. I couldn't believe. 

His hair was too cool and his swagger to much to do such a thing.

But he did. 

He hung and he swung and he never came down, 

the only thing that went down were the marks on his neck from the clawing for breath.

I went home everyday the next two weeks 

and would cry myself until I fell asleep for my afternoon nap.

Addictions and wonder grew worse and the hole in my chest kept chewing away at my tissues increasing in circumference.

Why did you do it? 

What was going on? 

Did you think about your friends and family?

What about that math assignment due tomorrow?

Why didn't you leave anything for us to hold onto?

But then I realized he did. He left memories of smiles and awesome shirts. 

Memories of leather moccasin instragram posts and Thor dressed on halloween.

So many memories. I never got to tell you this Hunter, but you are missed

by more than just me. You taught me that life isn't just all happiness and that things can happen in instants that completely create your world or destroy it from the inside out. 

Your death taught me how to be human, and sometimes I'm ashamed of that.

But thank you for teaching me, you were a teacher from the skies.

Hope...

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."

Martin Luther King, Jr.

my new goal is to find myself,

I think it will take longer than I think,

I'm gonna have to climb mountains,

swim rivers, and cross wastelands,

but I'll make it,

I'll make it eventually.

I have hope.

I'm confused by the differences.

Confusion is something that I'm taught to love, 

but actually don't enjoy very much.

Life is odd in the that way. That every couple of months 

I find myself swimming in the blackest of water, 

only looking for the ladder where I can climb out on the lighter side.

I hear whispers in my head all the time. 

I pray for comfort and the ability to separate and connect, 

but I can never separate the different voices.

God's? The devil's. Mine?

I pray for comfort and the ability to separate and connect.

If you put enough pressure for the right amount of time on a piece of coal

it will eventually turn into a diamond, but too much can destroy it.

Well I think the timer went off about a week ago, and I'm starting to crack.

If you could please remove the weight from me I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks, 

J. Nemo

iPhone Thoughts

These are different pages from my notes application on my phone. I've always been someone who has written down thoughts on my notes app and over the years they have gathered up into a collection of thinking and memories. Maybe one will tingle your insides. Enjoy my brain. I would just like to point out as well that some of these are from my sophomore and junior years and I have changed a lot since both of those. Maybe you'll be able to see it.

WARNING! EXTREMELY RANDOM 

October 16, 2013: "Every time I look into your eyes, I see heaven."

November 3, 2013: "We can't say that we can do bad and then prepare later for our missions. We need to prepare continually in are youth so we can be as effective as possible."

November 9, 2013: "If NSA is deleting everything then how do you have evidence that they deleted it?"

November 15, 2013: "Thoughts - What is it about the world that we live in today? We are so absorbed in our technology and so used to hiding behind the screen for communication that when we walk on to something as simple as a train we can't even sit next to someone we don't know and start a conversation. It's embarrassing and sad."

December 6, 2013: "Mangum's # 801-***-****"

December 7, 2013: "Everyone go on the sides. My brother and I will open the door. Everybody storm him. He might shoot, if he does go down. I'll try to bring him to the ground. Please don't hurt him."

February 14, 2014: "Girls I want to ask on dates this year - Anna Cvetko, Linda Davies, Lauren Martin, Sierra Parke, Kayla Harley, Ryan Squirres, Brenley Codling, Amanda Nitta, Carly Hyatt, Alexis Osmond, Saige (Seminary), Jenna Bell."

July 13, 2014: "I wanna love you to where I can read the thoughts right through your skull. Where we can always love each other even though we have holes."

August 31, 2014: "President Abraham Lincoln was once criticized for his attitude towards his enemies. "Why do you try to make friends out of them?" asked one of his associates. "You should be destroying them."

"Am I not destroying my enemies," Lincoln gently replied, "...when I make them my friends?"

September 16, 2014: "I pray when I don't feel like praying."

January 2, 2015: "Concept - rules give us freedom. It's only when we disobey them that we become slaves + Time stopping concepts?"

April 2, 2015: "You have more time on a finger then I could hold in two hands."

May 31, 2015: "Honesty runs through her blood. She's the holy water in the dirt and the mud. Born in the south, but raised in the mountain. Oh she's got a heart that shines like a diamond.

Texas girl who's got the beauty and the fight. Oh I know her mama raised her right. Texas girl, she's shining so bright. Oh I know her mama raised her right. So right. How right?"

June 17, 2015: "Stories of Havasupai - The midnight horse mating in the night. Walking down the river back to camp. The cliffs at Beaver falls 45ft. The restricted mines that had all the crystals. Trevor's snake dream. The sunburn. The burnt stove."

August 15, 2015: "My birthday is 108 sleeps away"

August 24, 2015: "How did I get #SoBlessed? What did I do to deserve the life I have been given. I have you and your eyes and your heart and these things are my reasons for living."

September 2, 2015: "A heartbreaker, cracking five hearts and making an omelet out of them on the daily."

I thoroughly apologize. I'm just a boy.

of sandboxes and crayons

Do you guys remember when we'd color outside the lines?

when we were to scared to disobey the teacher,

or disagree the words that came from the mouth of the preacher

when our parents were always right even though sometimes they were wrong

when disney movies used to spit jokes that we only understand twelve years later

when jumping on the tramp was better than anything netflix could offer,

and playing in the sandbox was like heaven on earth.

when toys were our best friends and we used to tell them all our dreams and desires.

I'm pretty sure my old red teletubby knows more things about me then most of my friends back then.

when we promised our teachers that we'd never do drugs or drink alcohol because I'm pretty sure they

taught us that they are bad.

when we used to eat mountains of candy and never worry about getting chubby.

when we used to laugh our heads off because the kid next to us farted.

when we used to get mad at people for butting in front of us in line

and when we thought we were punks by walking on the third tile from the wall instead of the second

when we would go to school and only shower once a week because our armpits hadn't started

smelling yet.

when we used to fight with our siblings because they put their finger on our side of the room.

when cereal was the meal of choice, even if your mom offered to make steak and potatoes.

when we didn't know what gays and transgenders were and people were just people.

when summer seemed like forever because it was basically 1/10 of our life.

when we used to beg our parents to stay up later because we hadn't had enough fun that day.

when our come back to everything was "I know you are, but what am I?"

Do you remember those days?

Do you?

Do you miss it?

Well you don't have to. You can do all those things right now. You just choose to care about what your neighbor would think if he saw a seventeen year old playing in the sandbox. Sandboxes are heaven on earth, you just have to see them that way.

Where the [Insert bad word here] did you go!

Dear North Face,

I miss those days when my hair would get strung up through your mesh and get yanked out when I took you off for nighttime prayer. I miss you North Face more than you'll ever know. 

Do you remember when we went to the Grand Canyon and saw just a sliver of the beauty in this world? I'm pretty sure you have ounces of my sweat absorbed in you from all the hikes we've been on. I know that's gross, but it shows how much I love you.

 Have I ever told you about your mother? She was beautiful, and she loved you and I'm so sorry that I didn't watch you like I should've. I'm sorry I didn't take care of you. I lost my focus for only a couple seconds and then when I looked up you were gone and rolling somewhere with the crowd. It's a scary feeling losing a son. I was terrified when you left.

Can I ask you something? Was it your choice? If so why? I really cared about you and I know I made some mistakes but I wish you'd come home. I really wish you'd come home North Face. I miss seeing you on my nightstand and knowing you were there watching over me. Please come home...

Love your searching father,

J. Nemo

you are her.

I have no reason to gaze up at the stars in the sky,
because there are two right in front of me resting gently inside you.
I like your stars better than those big balls of glowing energy up in space.
Your stars are like oceans wild on the surface, but calm in their wise depths.
There are times when the world freezes and just lets me look at them.
I thank Mother Nature for those moments
You Are Her.

When they look into mine, they calm the storms within me.
The tempests that rage and scream and tear deep down in my soul,
flipping over great vessels of my sanity and beliefs
But you are the calmer. You are my peace.
You Are Her.

In my pool of thoughts you are the only one swimming,
and you swim ever so gracefully.
Just to touch your skin is a blessing.
You dive deeper and deeper into my cortex,
sending electrical currents straight to my heart,

causing it to pound so quick that every once in a while it steps off the rhythm.
You Are Her.

I don't care about the others. I want you.
I want your perfection and your weakness. All of it.
Without both I wouldn't be able to love you like I do.
I just like to hear your voice speak about your day to me every night before I fall asleep.
I'm not complete without it.
The way you say goodbye is a lullaby to my ears, slowly easing me to sweet dreams.
You Are Her.

A old man once put his powerful wrinkled hands on my head and spoke of angels.
I never knew exactly what he meant,
but it always whispered with hope in the back of my mind.
I know now that he spoke of One and...
You Are Her

Proverbs 21:26

C'mon take it already! C'mon grab it! Hurry! It's dripping everywhere and I don't want any blood to get on my new shirt. Just cup your hands under mine. Okay I'm dropping it into your hands now, don't let it fall. 


*PLOP* Do you have it? Okay good, that wasn't too bad was it? Thanks again for taking it. I've been meaning to share it with someone for a while, I just have never found anyone I trust, but I trust you.

It's cold isn't it? Just hold it for a couple minutes and it will warm up and start pumping again. Maybe you won't like that though, we'll just have to wait and see.

When you get home I'd go wash your hands immediately. A lot of things are going to come out of that, good and bad and I don't think you want to catch the sins that are on it, because they are contagious. When you get home put it in something to protect it like a box, or maybe even an old jar. 

You need to keep this safe. Please keep it safe. 

This is something that is so precious to me. This is something that has told my eyes to cry tsunami's of tears and told my fists to break themselves. This is something that has encaged more beautiful butter flies in my stomach than I can even count sometimes. This is something that has caused me to break and want to go through the floor. This is something that lets me love her more than I should, maybe to the point where it's unhealthy.  

When you decide to take it out of the container you've chosen and get a good look at it, expect a lot of blood to squirt everywhere. I remember the first time I took it out, and it was like a river. I haven't let it out of it's container since. Until now. It doesn't speak that much to others, but I wouldn't take offense, because I think it trusts you. It may be shy at first, but it will sing by the end. You will feel its breath. You will taste its blood. You will hear its beat. It is yours now. So take it, and care for it. If you don't it could break me.